“If I’m on fire, you’ll be made of ashes too. Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, All the hell you gave me? ‘Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you. ‘Til my dying day.”

-“My Tears Ricochet” as sung by Taylor Swift –

Though it is no longer this day, I began writing this on Holy Saturday. The day that bridges Good Friday to Easter. It’s the day of being in the valley. The place between the unspeakable story that unfolded on Good Friday on the journey to the hope of an Easter Resurrection. In recent years, I have found deep appreciation for the journey of Holy Saturday. I think many of us know well the journey of such a day in our lives. That time when something horrible has happened to us, or to people we care about, and journeying through it in deep reflection of the sadness that comes from deep loss, and maybe even betrayal, but with a yearning entrenched in the hope of what will be when the sun rises once again. As I’ve journeyed through Holy Week this year, I recognize that I am in the midst of my own Holy Saturday.

As many of you know, something recently happened in my life that resulted in my employment with Community of Christ to come to an end. I have shared that my relationship with the church is deeply fractured and that I wasn’t sure if would continue to be a member of this religious denomination. I wasn’t sure if it would be days or months until I was ready to share what transpired but I am now ready to do so. I am ready to not be held captive by it.

“I am writing because sometimes we are closer to the truth in our vulnerability than in our safe certainties,”

– from “Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church” by Rachel Held Evans –

In the Fall of 2022, I accepted a position as Mission Center President for the Rocky Mountain Mission Center in Community of Christ. After working for this denomination for almost 11 years, I felt the longing for something different and believed that this was the right move at this time in my ministry. I had been sensing that the Holy was preparing me for this new adventure. It meant relocating from the Pacific Northwest, where I had lived all my life, to Colorado. And in early 2023, I did just that. I soon realized though how hard it was to make such a big life change at almost 40 years of age as a single adult when you have lived in the same geographical area your entire life. As I worked hard to develop relationships within the church in that area, I was missing relationships with close friends that I had moved away from. I was missing those random dinners out, singing loud together at concerts, and late-night living room conversations. I went home for Thanksgiving last year but chose to stay in Colorado for Christmas because I wanted to experience the fullness of life in the Rocky Mountain Mission Center for my first year there. I wanted to attend the various special Christmas celebrations that many congregations host. I did have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with good friends, and I am grateful for those experiences. As the week rolled on though, I recognized how lonely I was feeling in the midst of that season. It hit a peak when I did nothing for New Year’s Eve. No invitations. I stayed home and watched movies. I love the joy of celebrating the arrival of a New Year but at this time, joy was escaping me. This sense of loneliness carried on into the new year.

In mid-January, while yearning to be in a deeper relationship with others… *Now let me pause and clarify that I don’t necessarily mean a romantic relationship. Like I said earlier, I was craving friendship. For me, I was craving that in whatever form it was presented to me.* Okay, so while feeling lonely and vulnerable, in mid-January a follower request alert came from Instagram. I immediately recognized it as a fake account, but I was bored and lonely and decided to accept it. I soon received a message from the individual and went along with it. In a strange way, it just felt good to be communicating with someone even if I knew that the person being presented wasn’t the real person. These kind of friend/follower requests happen on social media all the time. Most of the times I ignore them. Sometimes I accept them to see what they are gonna say. Like many, this individual told me about family and their life in Africa and requested money because they were poor. I shared that I didn’t have money to give. Our conversations continued. Pretty quickly, the conversation took a turn and one of a romantic nature. Again, I went along with it but I also kind of got lost in it. And pretty quickly, he requested photos. Not like selfies of me smiling or dressed up for a fancy event. But the kind of photos that reveal what’s under the clothes. Now this is someone who was a half world away and who I was enjoying my conversation with, and I figured what could it hurt? Again, a half world away! So, I shared some. Not full frontal, I was wearing underwear. But also of my backside without underwear. Just being honest here.

Now, let’s have a side conversation here for a moment. The idea that I would do this is likely shocking to many of you. How could I share such photos with someone, especially a random stranger? To not understand this is to also not understand what dating culture is like these days. We meet people through dating apps, through electronic forms of communication. To share photos of this nature is common. It is not uncommon for people these days to want to fully know what they are getting when seeking romantic partnerships. And that includes knowing what someone looks like beneath their clothes. At times, the requests may be just some pervert wanting to collect pictures. But for others, it’s also just living in a time of sexual liberation after society telling us for so long that it is isn’t okay to be sexual beings. And also, a time where people are learning to love their bodies more, after being taught directly or indirectly for so long that we are to be ashamed about our bodies. Now, add this all to the context of the queer community, and I believe it’s extremely heightened. After my experience, I deleted all social media and dating apps. But to help illustrate my point, when I eventually downloaded Tinder again, every other match that I chatted with requested these kind of photos early on in our conversations. I now just delete those people. This is the reality of the struggle that is the dating world in the 2020’s.

Okay, back to my story. My conversation with this guy continued for a few days but I grew bored, and I also recognized that since it wasn’t a real account and he lived halfway across the world, it wasn’t like it was going to go anywhere anyways, so I kind of abruptly blocked him. Okay, time to move on with my life. That was a Monday.

By that evening, this guy messaged the Rocky Mountain Mission Center Facebook page. He was requesting to chat with someone because he had questions. I received the alert and immediately recognized his name. It was the guy from Instagram. I immediately blocked him on Facebook. I was concerned but hoped that blocking him would do the trick. It didn’t. Within 24 hours, he messaged the same Facebook page from a different Facebook account and a different name. This time his message demanded that I unblock him on Instagram or else he would share the photos of me all over social media. He then sent those photos to the Facebook page for the mission center. Again, I blocked him. But I also created a new Instagram account and found him on there so I could follow him again. He would be the only follower on this account. I waited for him to accept my follow request. You see, while we were connected on my previous Instagram page, he researched information about me which is how he found out where I worked.

“Here’s to hoping I’ll fall fast asleep tonight. And I’ll just need to get through this. Born in the darkness, who brings the light? And I just, I need to get through this. Or just get used to it.”

– “Just for Fun” as sung by Beyonce and Willie Jones –

This was now Tuesday evening. I am not typically a person who gets depressed. I have low moments. I get lonely. But I bounce back quickly. That night though, I was depressed. And I was suicidal. I realized that everything was starting to spiral out of control and that I had no way to stop it. What would happen if those pictures got out there? I don’t own a weapon but if I did, I may not be here today. I don’t share that lightly. I was ready to end my life that Tuesday night. I took a plastic grocery sack and tied it around my head to see what it would feel like to suffocate myself. I quickly took it off. I kept imagining filling the bathtub with water and drowning myself. OR going for a drive to the mountains to drive off a cliff or finding a lake to drown myself in. These are the intrusive spots that filled my head all night long. I just laid there in bed. Lifeless. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Felt sick to my stomach and achy all night long. At some point that night, the guy accepted my follower request, and I immediately messaged him. But I played it cool. He shared that he was sorry that he did what he did but that he was hurt. I played along. I apologized. Eventually I fell asleep, but daylight had already broken. So, after 90 minutes of sleep, I got up to go to the office.

As I ate lunch at the office with my Administrative Assistant, she could tell that something was up and inquired about it. I shared that I just had a sleepless night. Soon after, my supervisor texted me and asked if we could FaceTime in an hour. My heart sank a little. What if he did something else? I hoped it was about something else altogether. It wasn’t. 40 minutes later she called me, and I scrambled to find a room on the other side of the building that I could privately talk to her in. She immediately acknowledged that it would be a hard conversation and started talking about the photos. My heart sank further. Tears streamed down my face. I just lost it. She shared that the photos had been sent to the Community of Christ Facebook page with a demand for money or that the photos would be shared more broadly. The Communications Team had received the photos. They were out there. My worst nightmare had become reality. She shared that there was no judgment and made it clear that she was concerned for my well-being. I told her everything. Or at least all that I could get out and remember in the midst of a very emotional moment. She told me to fly home to be with family and friends. I was already flying out in almost two weeks for a vacation during my birthday week. She told me to extend my vacation and I did. I booked a flight for 48 hours later. I went back to my office to share with my Administrative Assistant what was going on, grabbed my things, and headed home.

It is now Wednesday afternoon. That day I deleted all my social media and dating accounts. I was so fearful of him finding me again. I did keep the new Instagram though so I could continue chatting with him until I knew what to do. Never once did he ask me directly for money because of having the photos. He did continue to ask for money for him and his family though. Just never in a way that directly tied the photos to the money. I did get the money wire transfer information. I didn’t send him money. No one did. No worries there. It was also strongly suggested that I contact the FBI to make a report. I did so on Thursday. I called the local field office and the person I talked to instructed me to fill out a form on the international crimes website for the FBI. I did. That is why I wanted the wire transfer info. So, I could share it with the authorities. After that, I reported his account to Instagram, blocked him, and closed my account.

The people of the Rocky Mountain Mission Center were notified that I needed to fly to the PNW to be with family at this time and to contact my supervisor with anything while I was away. At the time, as far as I knew, I would go home and be surrounded with people who love me until I was ready to come back. We talked about me coming back to Colorado as scheduled at the end of my vacation.

I started to share what was going on with my close inner circle of friends and family. I experienced amazing love and support from others as I continued my journey through this.

On Thursday in the late evening, my supervisor contacted me. I knew it wasn’t good. She immediately acknowledged that too. This individual had also contacted a congregation in Washington through their Facebook page and shared the photos to the admins of that page. This is a congregation that I was close to and honestly, while I was embarrassed, I was relieved that the people who received them are people that I have a really good relationship with. I was still mortified though. How many other congregations received similar messages??? I was not in a good space. My supervisor arranged for me to stay with a church family that night. I am so thankful that I had that safe space to go to while my world was crumbling around me.

On Friday I flew to Portland. I spent the weekend with friends there. I was wrapped in love by people who cared for me. I am so grateful for the circle of friends that I surrounded myself with that weekend. Early the next week I went to the moms to spend time with them. Also, early that week, my supervisor set up a meeting with me to discuss next steps. It was suggested we have someone else there who could be a companion for me as I continue this journey. So that was arranged. It was now the end of January. As the meeting started, I immediately recognized that it wasn’t going to be good. A HR letter was read to me explaining that I was going to be placed on ministerial reassignment for the month of February. Essentially, this meant that I was being placed on administrative leave. During this time, my supervisor would be the interim Mission Center President. Being placed on reassignment would give the leaders a chance to evaluate the situation and decide what would happen next. During this time, I would still get paid, but I couldn’t work, and my priesthood and youth worker status would both be suspended.

February was a month of introspection for me but also deep uncertainty. I spent time at Samish Island Campgrounds, my childhood church campgrounds. I celebrated my birthday with friends. In all spaces, February was about family and friends. I flew to California to be with friends here as well. All helped me on the journey I was on. One moment I would be lost in thought about the realities of likely losing my job. Then a moment later I would feel a sense of reassurance that this wouldn’t happen. For I was the victim. Surely Community of Christ wouldn’t take that strong of an action against me for this. At least that’s what I kept trying to telling myself.

By late February, I had not heard anything so I reached out and a meeting was scheduled for March 5. March 5. What a day. We would meet at the office. The day before the meeting it was communicated to me that my Administrative Assistant was asked to work from home that day and that the Director of Human Resources was flying to Colorado to take part in this meeting. I immediately became weak and numb. I didn’t eat that day, nor did I eat the next morning. I couldn’t. The pit in my stomach was growing. I knew that my life was about to become completely unraveled.

I entered the office that Tuesday morning and was invited to sit down at the table across from my supervisor and the Director of Human Resources. A letter was shared that because of the choices I had made, that my priesthood status was being released with cause and that my youth worker status was essentially being revoked. At this point we had not heard anything from the individual in Africa since Thursday, January 25. There was a recognition though that it may not be over yet. I was then read a letter explaining my employment termination. For if I was no longer an ordained minister, I couldn’t be a Mission Center President. I was given the option to be terminated or resign and I chose resignation, but the results were the same. I was being fired. Thankfully, I would receive a small severance. I needed to have my office cleared out within 36 hours and the car returned by Friday since it was a church car. I did ask for short extension on that which was no problem. I’m grateful for that as it made those last couple days in Colorado a lot easier.

So, what else happened on March 5? A few hours after my meeting, Community of Christ announced the sale of historic sites and artifacts which has caused quite a disruption for many. It was also the day we had confirmation that my bonus mom had cancer and what her prognosis was. Frankly, it was a really shitty day all around.

That afternoon I went home and immediately began packing and started making arrangements to move. I couldn’t stay. I needed to leave. Immediately. Three different friends offered for me to live with them while I got back on my feet. I chose my friends in California who I had just spent two weeks with in February. Honestly, after this experience, I wasn’t sure that I’d be ready to be back in the Pacific Northwest so I’m giving California a try. Plus, my friends here have a great space for me to be in. Over the next few days, I would spend my time packing, making arrangements, and have meals with friends before I left. It was a very exhausting few days as news came out that I was leaving. The phone calls, texts, message, comments, etc were overwhelming but I am grateful for all the love and support that has been extended during this time. My life was now upside down and I had to face that but the love of community was still there with me. By Sunday, a U-Haul was loaded and I was on the road to California. Along with way, I was able to share in meal and conversation with friends in Utah. That really fed me soul at a time when I needed it most. I arrived to California on Wednesday morning, March 13, to begin my next chapter here.

Side Note: After deleting everything, I did create new social media sites. Now just using my first and middle name. No longer using my last name on those sites.

So, there ya go. That’s my story. I’m sure there are parts of it that I’m not remembering in this moment that will come to me down the road. That’s what trauma does to you and this entire experience has been very traumatic. I had to change the alert sounds for my phone. Cause every time I would get an alert from Instagram, I would hear that sound. A sound now associated with the guy from Africa. I would hear the sound after I created my new account (well, the second new account) and my body would have an uncontrollable reaction to it. I would experience a quick moment of fear before I realized it wasn’t him. I had to change the background on my phone. Previously, it was a collage of selfies with friends. This included a picture of me with my supervisor, every time I opened my phone I would see it and would immediately be reminded of our FaceTime calls on that same screen in those first few days when my life unraveled. And I would briefly experience fear. It is now a picture of Crater Lake. And just to be clear, it was changed because of my reaction to that picture in the collage, it was not changed because it was my supervisor.

“I need a place to confess that I don’t have everything figured out. Christianity is not a program for avoiding mistakes; it is a faith of the guilty. There is no “right” or perfect way to be. We learn from our mistakes; we extend grace to others and ourselves. In the same way a lover who loves your body allows you to have grace for it, so is grace the antithesis of rejection.”

– from “Shameless: A Sexual Reformation” by Nadia Bolz-Weber –

Now I begin to move forward. I’m still unsure of my future with Community of Christ. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by a denomination that I’ve been so dedicated to. I’ve looked into other churches here in California but haven’t visited any. None seem to fit what I’m looking for. If I go to another church, I’m really not sure that I want to join another denomination. Denominations have structures that are archaic and hard to transform. They have rules instead of principles and rules don’t extend grace and often limit a compassionate response. Community churches though are often very conservative and don’t embrace queer people such as myself. I did transfer my membership to the Sacramento Community of Christ congregation and do plan to visit there soon. I’ve even registered to attend a CofChrist Reunion in Oregon this summer. Just trying to stay open to where I sense the Spirit leading me. It’s hard to imagine leaving Community of Christ but damn, I’m just so hurt right now by the church.

I will begin looking for work soon. I have some trips that I am going to take before then though. Opportunities to get away and be with friends or even by myself as I continue this journey. I’m broken. It’s been like the worst kind of break-up. Things keep coming up that are triggering for me. Not so much with the sextortion experience but with Community of Christ. I’m a 4^th Generation member. This faith community is all I’ve ever known. I had such a longing to serve as I was growing up. I was always looking for ways to do so. When I was first hired, I felt like I was fulfilling my life’s calling. I gave so much to this faith movement. Because of my leadership with camping and youth ministries, I have performed many Baptisms and Confirmations. Having my youth worker status taken away because of this has been especially painful. No more youth camps. No more Spectacular.

During the pandemic, I helped take the lead for innovative ministries in my area to keep people connected. Ministries that continue today. To not get online for Sunday Evening worship anymore leaves a hole in my heart. I can’t do it right now though. I’m not ready. To be so invested in so many ministries that I once had an integral part in providing, and have it just ripped out from under you… well… it’s a loss and betrayal that is hard to wrap my head around.

I was told that I could ask to have my priesthood and youth worker status reinstated after a period of time but, at this point, I don’t see me doing that. Maybe I’ll change my mind. If Community of Christ is interested in me serving again, they should be approaching me. To require that I come to them, is just perpetuating their response of victim blaming in response to what occurred in my life.

Part of what is hurtful about what has unfolded, is that as I was going through this journey, Community of Christ leaders never once reached out to set-up a time to talk about what happened. Never once was I asked to share my story before a decision was made about my priesthood, youth worker status, and employment. I was never given the dignity of compassionate listening and understanding. We talk in Community of Christ about being in healthy and right relationships with each other. Community of Christ didn’t practice that here. We have the enduring principle of Grace & Generosity. That wasn’t lived out and extended to me though. Practicing what we preach seems to be so hard for religious institutions.

“In my pastoral work I’ve started to suspect that the more someone was exposed to religious messages about controlling their desires, avoiding sexual thoughts, and not lusting in their hearts, the less likely they are to be integrated physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.”

– from “Shameless: A Sexual Reformation” by Nadia Bolz-Weber –

Can we just talk about the ‘s’ word for a moment? Yes, sex. Religious institutions, including Community of Christ, just get it so wrong. And they have done so much damage, and continue to do so much damage, when it comes to sexual ethics. Church leadership and employment is designed for married, heterosexual couples. I believe there is a fear, even if indirectly felt, with the church hiring single adults for major leadership positions. Cause if they’re single, and of a certain age, what if they’re having sex before marriage? Better to keep it safe and hire married, heterosexual ministers. *eye roll* The church spends way too much damn time worrying about what happens in the bedroom between consenting adults. News Flash: Consenting adults having sex outside of marriage is not in conflict with living out the Mission of Jesus Christ.

Religious institutions, including Community of Christ, are losing younger generations at an alarming rate. They aren’t being transformed to reach an evolving population. And the church is dying because of it. The response of Community of Christ to my situation affirms this. Because my story, could be the story of so many in my generation. I wish that Community of Christ would have seen this as a learning opportunity. It surely has been for me. In their response, the church has failed younger generations and the queer community, yet again. It’s a different world and we need to have honest, open conversations on what the world is like. If we are seeking to help transform the world, we can’t do so without understanding it first.

I share my story and reflections for the following reasons:

1. Sextortion is apparently becoming too common. It’s a growing issue in our world. I want people to know what could happen if they are sharing their nude and partially pictures with others, even with people they know. Most importantly, I want parents and others to know that this is an issue that greatly creates victims of youth. While doing my research, I discovered that teenagers are often the targets of sextortion, particularly teenage boys. While I was very suicidal for one night, I discovered stories of attempted suicides, including those who didn’t survive, by teenagers who were victims of sextortion. I think it’s important for parents and legal guardians to have open and safe conversations about this issue with their teenagers. Conversations that aren’t rooted in shame. If the conversation includes body image and sexual ethics, please do all you can to keep shame out of the conversation.
2. Many friends have asked what they could do in response to what happened with my employment, priesthood status, and youth worker status. They have expressed interest in writing a letter to CofChrist leadership expressing their frustration, anger, and/or disappointment in how this handled. I have asked them to wait until I was ready to share my story. At this time though, if you disagree with how CofChrist handled this and/or the outcome of it, I invite you to express that to CofChrist leadership. The only way that change happens and relationships are restored, is if we speak up and also take appropriate actions. I don’t want to make this personal towards those who ultimately made the decision to terminate my employment. So rather than sharing names and their emails, I urge you to send your letter to Human Resources for Community of Christ. They can be emailed to hrm@cofchrist.org.  I believe the church could have handled this so much better. That doorways could have been opened for conversations. That I didn’t need to be fired.

I am not ashamed that I shared these photos. They were of my body. All of us have bodies. We were all created with them. Too much shame is attached to bodies, shame often perpetuated by religion, and I’m not willing to let that control my understanding of the situation. I don’t think there is anything wrong with consenting adults sharing photos of themselves between each other. If I could go back and not share the photos, would I? Sure. Absolutely. Do I regret it sharing them? Yeah, I kind of do. But I’m not going to dwell within that space.

“The church is God saying: ‘I’m throwing a banquet, and all these mismatched, messed-up people are invited. Here, have some wine.”

– from “Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church” by Rachel Held Evans –

Mission is messy. Humans are messy. Ministers can be messy at times. We aren’t perfect and I don’t believe we are called to be. I was once told by someone who I was bringing ministry to that I wasn’t like their grandpa’s kind of preacher. I took this as a compliment. She meant it as a compliment. We are called to be authentic. And in my authenticity, there will be flaws. I am far from perfect. But I could reach people as a minister that others couldn’t. And others could reach people that I couldn’t. Ministers do not come in a one-size-fits-all package. The church needs all kinds of ministers and people in leadership roles, if it will continue to be relevant and meaningful in its ministry and hope for the world moving forward. We talk about not putting ministers up on a pedestal but then we act as if they need to be perfect to provide professional ministry.

‘”Cause time heals everything. I don’t need anything. Hallelujah. I pray to her.”

– “Just for Fun” as sung by Beyonce and Willie Jones –

I don’t know what is next for me. I am deeply hurt and grieving this loss in my life. Like I said, I feel betrayed. I feel like leaders took the easy route, though I’m sure they’d say how hard it is was to make the decision they made. I still love the message of Community of Christ. And I loved being a full-time minister. And frankly, I think I was good at it and had an important and unique perspective and vision to lead from. And honestly, even if with how it ended, if they came back to me tomorrow with a desire to work through this, I would go back to full-time ministry in a heartbeat. I do believe the church yearns and tries to be representative of the mission of Christ. But I also believe that as a denomination, the church often fails at embodying the things the church proclaims. CofChrist still lives in fear for how some will respond and that can limit the denomination’s ability to reach people who are yearning, aching, and seeking authentic ministry from real people just trying to live in community with each one another. Until we learn to thrive by living out authentic, principle-based ministry, we die from being chained to inauthentic, rules-based ministry that is not aligned with the teachings we proclaim.

Again, I want to reiterate something I shared on Facebook a month ago. This is a denominational crisis that I’m experiencing, not a faith crisis. God and I are still good. I still very much believe in living out the Mission of Jesus Christ.

– – – –

“My Tears Ricochet” is a song by Taylor Swift from her “Folklore” album. She is quoted as saying, “So I wrote ‘My Tears Ricochet’ and I was using a lot of imagery that I had conjured up while comparing a relationship ending to when people end an actual marriage. All of a sudden this person that you trusted more than anyone in the world is the person that can hurt you the worst.”

Like I noted, what I’ve experienced has felt like a really bad break-up. I feel extremely hurt and betrayed by a church I love. That is why I used this title for sharing my story.